House: See that -- they all assume I'm a patient because of the cane.
Wilson: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
House: Then they'll think I'm a doctor.
%
House: What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or
one who ignores you while you get better?
%
Orange-Colored Patient: What are those?
House: Painkillers.
Orange-Colored Patient: Oh, for you, for your leg.
House: No, because they're yummy.
%
House: Your wife is having an affair.
Orange-Colored Patient: What??
House: You're ORANGE, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but
if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed
colors, she's just not paying attention. Oh, by the way, do you consume just
ridiculous amounts of carrots and mega-dose vitamins? The carrots turn you
yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get a set of fingerpaints and do the math.
%
House: Everybody lies.
%
Cuddy: You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't
since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? [admiringly] Nice ...
%
Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Cameron: What's up?
Foreman: When you break into someone's house, it's always better to have a
white chick with you.
%
House: People used to have more respect for cripples, you know! [A nearby
patient in a wheelchair turns and looks at House as House turns to face him.]
House: They didn't really.
%
Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
House: No, treating _illnesses_ is why we became doctors. Treating patients
is what makes most doctors miserable.
%
Rebecca Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity.
House: There's _no such thing_. Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're
90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's
never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own
ass. It's always ugly, _always_! You can live with dignity - you can't die
with it.
%
Rebecca Adler: What made you a cripple?
House: I had an infarction.
Rebecca Adler: A heart attack?
House: It happens when the blood flow is obstructed. It's in the heart, it's
a heart attack; it's in the lungs, it's a pulmonary embolism; it's in the
brain, it's a stroke. I had it in my thigh muscles.
Rebecca Adler: Wasn't there something they could do?
House: There was plenty they could do... if they had made the right
diagnosis. The only symptom was pain. Not many people get to experience
muscle death.
Rebecca Adler: Did you think you were dying?
House: I _hoped_ I was dying.
%
Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.
House: No, it wasn't a racial thing, I didn't see a black guy. I just saw a
doctor...with a juvenile record.
%
House: I hired you because you are extremely pretty.
Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?!
House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said.
No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece of art
in the lobby.
Cameron: I was in the top of my class.
House: But not _the_ top.
Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic.
House: Yes, you were a very good applicant.
Cameron: But not the best?
House: Would that upset you, really? To think that you were hired because of
some genetic gift of beauty not some genetic gift of intelligence?
Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am.
House: But you didn't have to. People choose the paths that grant them the
greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's the law of nature,
and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich,
could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have
given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn't, you worked your stunning
little ass off.
Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered?
House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they're as damaged
as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member?
Cameron: No!
House: Sexually assaulted?
Cameron: No.
House: But you _are_ damaged, aren't you?
%
Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is
part of your job. I want you to do your job.
House: Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always
get what you want."
[Some time later.]
Cuddy: I looked into that philosopher, Jagger, you mentioned, and you're
right, you can't always get what you want. But as it turns out, if you try
sometimes, you get what you need.
%
House: When did my signature get so girly?
Cameron: I can explain.
House: See that "G," see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn't even
look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What's the differential
diagnosis for writing "G's" like a junior high school girl?
%
Chase: It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night
terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something
outside the brain.
House: Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.
%
Cameron: What about sex?
House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older,
certainly, but maybe you like that.
Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
House: Heh, nice cover. [winks]
%
House: [betting that a patient's father is his biological father] Hit a
nerve? Don't worry, Foreman, I'm sure the guy who tucked you in at night was
your daddy.
Foreman: Make that $100.
%
Cuddy: What are you doing here?
House: Hooker. Came to my office rather than my apartment.
%
House: [talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject
as he sees Dr. Cuddy coming] --the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I
thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn't see you there -
That is so embarrassing...
Cuddy: How's your hooker doing?
House: Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital
administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.
%
House: Could we get off my screw-ups and focus on theirs? Theirs are bigger.
%
Patient's Mother: How can you just sit there?
House: If I eat standing up I spill.
%
House: [to a mother who doesn't want vaccinations for her baby] You know
another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in
frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only
protect the kid for 6 months, which is why these companies think they can
gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid
alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like
you decide they'd rather let their kid die than cough up 40 bucks for a
vaccination, believe me, prices will drop really fast.
%
House: [to Cameron] Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you
want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.
%
House: Another reason I don't like meeting patients. If they don't know what
you look like, they can't yell at you.
%
House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick
people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a
lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me
"Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this
whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am
a _BOARD_... certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious
disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at
this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
[turns to face Dr. Cuddy]
House: That is true, isn't it?
[turns to crowd]
House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by
a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly
annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You
can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a
pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell.
So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hands]
House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand]
Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.
%
Cameron: Men should grow up.
House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going
to happen.
%
House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be
anything!
%
Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Chase: [not so comfortable himself] Well, we don't have to talk about this...
Cameron: Sex _could_ kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through
when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature
rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and
shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to
nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and
spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's
ugly and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it _unbelievably_ fun, the human
race would have died out eons ago. [pause to breathe deep and stare at each
other] Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women
can have an hour long orgasm?
[Foreman enters]
Cameron: [as if nothing had just occurred] Hey Foreman. What's up?
%
Foreman: Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.
House: And you think one is simpler than two?
Cameron: I'm pretty sure it is, yeah.
House: Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to
create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in
a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?
Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
House: I think your tie is ugly.
%
House: No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in
fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet
between love and hate.
%
Cuddy: Working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
House: When did I sign up for that course?
Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care?
House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion.
%
Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
House: And triteness kicks us in the 'nads.
Wilson: So true...
%
House: This is our fault. Doctors over-prescribing antibiotics. Got a cold?
Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No problem. Have some azithromycin. Is that
not working anymore? Oh, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in every
bathroom. We'll be adding vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these
superbugs. They're our babies. And they're all grown up and they've got body
piercings and a lot of anger.
%
House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?...Can you do anything about it?
House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to
remove, except in a couple of states.
Jill: Illegal?
House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it,
dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
[he shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes.
%
House: Get up. We're going hunting.
Chase: For what?
House: Wabbits.
%
House: [To Cuddy] See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, 'cause
you give me all these really great insights for free.
Cuddy: [smiling] Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would
pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.
%
House: Your husband is definitely the source of your "mono".
Jill: Oh, wow. Oh, thank God. Wow, I'm going to be a mom. Whoa, heh heh.
Thank you so much; I gotta get you a gift or something.
House: Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again.
Jill: Okay, all right! But, Dr. House, you've been so awesome. I mean, I
really, totally trust you. Do you think you --
House: No.
Jill: -- could do the prenatal?
House: No.
Jill: Or deliver the baby?
House: That would be no.
Jill: Okay!
%
Wilson: Sixth circle of Hell?
House: Confined in a sweat box with a bloody nose and all the tissues are
soggy.
Wilson: I think that's the Seventh?
House: Nope. The Seventh...
Wilson: God, you must be fun at parties.
House: I think we both know the flaw in that theory.
%
House: I've been a doctor for years -- why do I have to keep assuring people
I know what I'm doing?
%
House: What the hell are those?
Cameron: Candy canes.
House: Candy _canes_? Are you mocking me?
%
Nun: Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.
House: I thought that was a job requirement for you people.
%
[Dr. House tosses Dr. Cuddy a tea bag]
Cuddy: What is this? Hemlock?
%
House: You hate nuns. You can't hate someone if you don't know them.
Chase: Know any Nazis? Maybe I hate them on principle.
%
House: Since it's been untreated for so long, it's gone from a simple
"watery eyes, scratchy throat" allergy, to a whopping "I'm gonna kick your
ass" allergy.
%
House: I am both amused and annoyed that you think I should be less stubborn
than you are.
%
House: You can have all the faith you want in spirits, and the afterlife,
and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot.
'Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to put you through the day,
but when it comes time to cross the road, I know you look both ways.
%
House: You know how it is with nuns: you take out their IUDs and they bounce
right back.
%
[a patient needs a liver transplant]
Foreman: Mickey Mantle had a whole bar named after him - he got a transplant.
House: Yeah. Well, Lucy can't switch hit.
%
Chase: [Referring to Dr. House] He likes crazy people. He likes the way they
think.
Foreman: They think...badly. That's the definition of...crazy.
Chase: They're not boring. He likes that.
%
Foreman: [Referring to Dr. House] He's really talking to a patient.
Chase: I don't know who I am any more.
%
House: So, when I said, "no psych meds," I'm just curious -- which word
didn't you understand?
Foreman: The Haldol had nothing to do with the bleed. You know that. I used
it purely as a chemical restraint.
House: Oh, great, well, that's good to hear. So she won't experience any of
those pesky little side effects you get when your motives _aren't_ pure.
%
Wilson: I love my wife.
House: You certainly love saying it.
%
House: I don't ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.
%
House: I didn't know it was possible for a woman to be _unusually_
irritable.
%
House: Fever. Clinical depression does not cause fever.
Foreman: She could be sick and depressed?
House: She's sick! Dammit, why didn't I think of that?
%
Cuddy: It takes _two_ department heads to treat shortness of breath? What,
do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?
%
Foreman: We've looked at everything else.
Wilson: Did you look at her breasts?
Cameron: [Looks at House]
House: [rolls eyes] Pff....Men!
%
Foreman: Why are you riding me?
House: It's what I do...has it gotten worse lately?
Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
House: Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. 'Cause you were just as
black last week.
%
Wilson: I'm not gonna date a patient's daughter.
House: Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date
at all.
%
House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!
%
House: Uh oh. What's going on?
Cameron: I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge.
House: Turn around. [she does; her eyes are puffy and red] It's a very sad
thing, an uncalibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.
%
House: You can't be that good a person and be well adjusted.
Cameron: Why?
House: Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.
Cameron: Or hating people.
%
Foreman: Sleeping sickness from sex?
House: It's not without precedent.
Foreman: I'm pretty sure it is, unless you're talking about going to Africa
and having sex with the tsetse fly.
%
Cameron: Nice try, but you're misanthropic, not misogynist.
%
Foreman: The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden
he got nauseous and disoriented.
House: That's the way calculus presents.
%
House: I am extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer
drugs and you come back with tomato sauce.
%
Georgia: I notice colors more. And music. I- I'm really hearing music. I'm
eighty-two, and I'm supposed to be playing canasta with the other old
ladies, but... now when I see a guy with a cute butt...I just can't stop
looking at him. [looks at House] Or a sexy beard.
House: And you figure that enjoying cute butts is a sign of disease?
%
Georgia: So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called
Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.
House: Aha.
Georgia: You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.
House: People are always mixing us up.
%
Matt: Who are they?
Margo: Oh, they're the arrogant jerks that saved your life.
%
House: "I, Margo Davis, have been informed of the risks which may arise from
my refusal of advised medical care. I hereby release-"
Margo: Who are you?
House: I work for the hospital. "--the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching
Hospital, its employees agents, and otherwise from any adverse medical
conditions resulting from my refusal. It is not the hospital's fault if my
son kicks off."
Margo: "Kicks off"?
House: I punched up the language, mostly for clarification. "I understand my
doctors consider my decision to be completely idiotic-"
Margo: Why are you doing this?
House: "-but I am convinced that I know more than they do. I took a biology
course in high school, so... yeah. Besides, I enjoy controlling every single
aspect of my son's life, even if it means his death." Sign here, please. I
brought a pen.
Margo: Who are you?
House: I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's
letting him die. Clarification: it's a beautiful thing.
%
Wilson: "The healer with his magic powers/I could rub his gentle brow for
hours/His manly chest, his stubbled jaw/Everything about him leaves me raw-"
House: Psych ward's upstairs.
%
House: She's risking her son's life based on a teenager's claim that he
washed something. How mentally incompetent can you get?
%
House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Wilson: That's... fairly... disgusting.
%
House: I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your
cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for
a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.
%
House: I'm too handsome to do paperwork.
%
Mark: But... Mom... you said Dad was your first love.
Georgia: He was. We're talking about sex.
%
Wilson: Hey, I'm a man. I don't have time for laundry. I'm saving lives
here.
%
House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There is a "me," though,
if you jumble it up.
%
Foreman: You assaulted that man.
House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Foreman: Yes, you will.
House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.
%
House: Hang on to that DNR, that signature could be worth a lot of money
real soon.
%
Wilson: You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex - they need to
save the world? You've got the Rubik's complex; you need to solve the
puzzle.
%
Foreman: He doesn't want you treating him!
House: They dropped the court order.
Wilson: Yeah, and that girl dropped the charges against Kobe. Doesn't mean
that he should call her and see if she's free to get a sundae.
%
House: Life sucks. Your life sucks more than most. It's not as bad as some,
which is depressing all by itself.
%
John: You don't risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn't
want to be saved unless you got something, anything, one thing. The reason
normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they
don't got that one thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got
music; you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that
keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we
miss out on is everything else.
%
Wilson: So your philosophy is, "If they don't want treatment, they get it
shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better
slow down."
House: Yeah. My old philosophy used to be "Live and let live," but I'm
taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.
%
House: He thinks you do your job, and what will be, will be. I think that
what I do and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night. He shouldn't.
%
House: Okay, you two -- grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
%
Medical student: You're reading a comic book.
House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
[The student stares at him.]
House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest.
I'm competitive by nature.
%
Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
House: I don't _need_ to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.
%
Wilson: You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one
friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word "friend" can also
be translated as "limping twerp."
%
House: [speaking to Cuddy about Foreman] He knows more homeless people than
_any_ of us! [turns to Foreman] Go check out the 'hood, _dog_.
%
Foreman: What's so fascinating about this case?
House: At the moment, how much you _don't_ want me to take it.
%
Wilson: I forgot: I need a reason to give a crap.
House: You're giving two craps.
Wilson: The metric system always confuses me.
%
Wilson: Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the
conversation?
House: Why can't both be true?
%
Chase: You're joking.
House: Well, hard not to - nothing funnier than cancer.
%
Student: I thought you were supposed to be listening to our patient
histories.
House: Nope. I'm supposed to be teaching you. If I can do that without
listening, more power to me.
%
House: [holds up a sweater] Vomit. Still moist. [sniffs] What do you think -
a couple of days old? [puts it in Chase's face]
Chase: Uhhh... trying to make me hurl?
%
Cuddy: You tried to steal someone else's test?
Foreman: Dr. Terharg is a plastic surgeon. The woman was getting a six-month
checkup on a chin implant.
Cuddy: I can't believe you authorized this.
House: Really? Sounds exactly like something I'd do.
%
House: Your turn, you gonna tell me why this case?
Wilson: She's my new girlfriend, I'm having a tattoo designed, I was hoping
you could find out her name.
%
House: Lesson to be learned -- treat everybody as if they have Korsakoff's,
we all lie anyway.
%
Cuddy: You know, there are other ways to manage pain.
House: Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third
chakra?
%
[After House walks into the operating room and deliberately contaminates Dr.
Hourani by spitting on him]
Anesthesiologist: There's no way we can do this surgery now.
Hourani: Ya _think?!_
%
Wilson: You alienate people.
House: I've been alienating people since I was three.
%
House: Let me talk to shipping, I speak their language.
%
House: His liver is shutting down.
Father: What? What does that mean?
House: Means he's all better, he can go home.
Father: What?
House: What do you think it means? He can't live without a liver, he's dying.
Father: What is your problem?
House: Bum leg, what's yours?
%
Pharmacist: Okay, pharmaceuticals were delivered this morning, but shipping
accidentally sent the box with Vicodin to research.
House: Hmmm. That's a tough one. If only we had some way to communicate with
another part of the building.
[House picks up the phone and holds it up.]
%
Cuddy: You're addicted.
House: If the pills ran my life, I'd agree with you, but it's my leg busy
calendaring what I can't do.
%
Wilson: She's hot, so she's a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
House: The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic,
hello!
%
Cuddy: So that's your plan? You're gonna play chicken with the kid's life?
House: Well, he's the dad. I should win easily.
%
House: I take risks; sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes
more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with
the ability to do the math.
%
House: I said I was an addict. I didn't say I had a problem.
%
Cameron: If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a
box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!
House: My God, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And
I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like
stink on cheese.
%
Patient: I can't get my contact lenses out-
House: Out of what? They're not in your eyes.
Patient: But they're red.
House: That's because you're trying to remove your corneas.
%
House: I'm Dr. House, and today is the coolest day of my life!
%
[House exposes patient's testicles]
Hank: I am clean, man, no steroids, no nothing.
House: Your lips say no, your prunes say yes.
%
House: "Hypogonadism." Ain't that a great word? Thanks - we don't get to say
it enough.
%
House: You take a perverse pleasure at turning me down.
Cuddy: It's what I live for. Once in a while, though, try to ruin my day.
Ask me something I can say "yes" to.
%
House: Very noble gesture. My favorite kind - dramatic, yet completely
empty.
%
Lola: You got a big "Keep Out" sign stapled on your forehead.
House: That explains it, I told them to put it on my door.
Lola: Even if real human contact is something you don't have or even want or
need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.
House: Yeah. Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days.
There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts - they're trading
brains.
%
House: What, you're saying I've only got one friend?
Wilson: Uh, and who...?
House: ...Kevin, in Bookkeeping.
Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl.
House: I call him Kevin. It's a secret "friendship club" name.
%
House: Believe me, I'd much rather be with your better half. And by better
half, of course, I mean the one who struck out Sammy Sosa on three pitches
and talks a lot less.
%
Cameron: Would you give up a baby for someone you love?
House: Please tell me I don't have to decide. Depends, how long would they
live?
Cameron: Is this a pragmatic question for you?
House: Fifty years, no problem. Six months, I say let 'em die. Well, I've
actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is seven
years, eight months, and 14 days.
%
Cameron: Like a...date?
House: Exactly. Except for the "date" part.
%
House: Wait a second, is that Stacy the stripper? I heard she's playing
Atlantic City.
Wilson: No, Stacy the constitutional lawyer.
%
House: You see, kidneys don't wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it
doesn't matter, 'cause kidneys can't tell time.
%
Wilson: How much?
House: True cost, no man can say.
Wilson: Could that man's accountant say?
%
House: Hank Wiggen peed on me. What do you think these pants are worth on
eBay?
%
House: Everybody does stupid things, it shouldn't cost them everything they
want in life.
Cuddy: No, it shouldn't, but it usually does. On the other hand...it means
someone can actually beat the Yankees.
%
Chase: Mr. Wiggen? The urine sample.
Hank: I wanna say no, so I am. No.
Lola: Trust is a big issue in early recovery. He really did gain the weight
honestly.
Chase: If you say so.
Hank: You're not getting it. [To Lola] He thinks I'm an idiot.
Chase: He sure does. [Smiles and points to the catheter bag that is
collecting urine from Hank.]
%
House: Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than
by their colleagues struggling valiantly to find ways to hide steroid use.
%
Cuddy: You put him on Lupron.
House: Uh-huh.
Cuddy: And, you told them it was like milk.
House: Yes.
Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
House: It's creamy. But, I had three reasons.
Cuddy: Good ones?
House: Well, we'll see in a minute; I'm just making them up now.
%
Cameron: Do you have to be religious to believe a fetus is a life?
House: There seems to be a correlation.
%
House: You're Chase's dad. It's hard to miss, with the big hug and how happy
he was to see you.
%
House: A secret club? What's the secret - they're all morons?
%
Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
House: I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.
%
Gabriel: Who are you?
House: The little ones call me "Uncle Greg."
%
Chase: I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts a lot less
to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No
disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to
see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a
few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given
me enough disappointments.
%
Cuddy: Just enlarged hylar lymph nodes.
House: Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.
%
House: Take another history. Even if we don't figure out what's causing
this, we definitely need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action.
%
House: You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No,
they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them
in a beaker and apply heat.
%
House: Come on, there's no reason you both can't be wrong.
%
House: You haven't told Robert. You don't want to burden him because you
were such a lousy dad.
Rowan Chase: I'd prefer you not tell him.
House: Yeah, it's better. I'll get to see his face when he reads his dad's
obituary.
%
Rowan Chase: Robert was right. You said multiple neurofibromatosis.
House: Are you saying that for the chance of a beautiful family moment, or
is there some medicine involved?
%
Wilson: [Telling Dr. House why he didn't mention Rowan Chase's terminal
condition] It is a juicy piece of gossip. You know what happened? I got all
focused on his cancer and lost perspective.
%
Cameron: Parents are never as bad as kids think they are.
%
House: You mentioned two obscure diseases to Dr. Chase. How'd you know about
them?
Jeffrey: I read about them on the internet.
House: So, what'd you search for? "Diseases from Asia that don't match my
son's symptoms"?
%
House: As fascinating as our bodies are, they're also stupid.
%
[The hospital's just been bought by billionaire drug mogul Edward Vogler]
House: No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in
front of an elevator with blood. Boys' choirs. Those are bad omens. This is
much more mundane. A billionaire wants to get laid.
Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to
get respect.
House: And the reason you want respect...?
Wilson: To...get laid.
%
Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than
you. Like half your age.
%
House: She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs
checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always
suspected.
%
Cuddy: [Referring to Dr. House] He's different.
Vogler: Everyone's buddy?
Cuddy: No, not exactly ...
%
Wilson: How do you know she needs a heart transplant?
House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken
heart.
%
House: [To Dr. Cameron] Read less. More TV.
%
Wilson: She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to
do that one!
House: Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with
you?
%
House: You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities.
Wilson: Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.
%
House: [After playing Hava Nagila on iPod] That was not as dramatic as I
intended it to be.
%
Cuddy: You have three choices. Hire a lawyer to fight the order, treat the
guy, or go to jail for contempt. Up to you.
House: Jail. You'd like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. [to Vogler]
Conjugal visit. That's her new fantasy.
%
Bill: His name's Joey, he's my only brother.
House: He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him, we'll use the
real medicine.
%
Chase: You can trust me.
House: Problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I
can trust you. But thanks anyway, you've been a big help.
%
House: Need the lawyer.
Vogler: Who'd you kill?
House: Nobody, but it's not even lunch.
%
House: We're a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with
patients when they're actually sick.
%
Chase: [About Dr. Cameron] Uh-huh. And why is her test better than mine?
House: Because she's cuter. Though it's close.
%
Cameron: Did you see House's new car?
Chase: Joey. He obviously can't keep it.
Cameron: You don't mind the hospital taking money from Vogler?
Chase: That's different, Vogler's legit.
Cameron: That's worse. Vogler's money came with strings.
%
Foreman: You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? Dr. Euripides tell
you to check for that?
%
Cameron: I don't have the right to show interest in someone?
Foreman: You absolutely do, and I absolutely have the right to humiliate you
for it.
%
Bill: You want to get hit, too?
House: That would be quite a trick. "He slapped me so hard his brother
turned straight."
%
House: That's what I love about you mob guys: so tolerant of others, so
accepting. Only way he was coming out was way, way out. Lose the tattoos,
change his name, move to another town... how's a guy like him going to do
that? Witness protection. It's not just for witnesses any more.
%
Wilson: The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is
extremely large, at least thirty pounds.
Lucille: Oh, God.
House: It's actually a personal record for this clinic.
%
Lucille: I'll have a huge scar! I won't be able to wear a bikini!
House: You wear a bikini now?
Lucille: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
House: Nope, but I've never gone swimming with you.
%
House: You ever see an infected pierced scrotum?
Cuddy: Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I'd like to see it happen.
%
Foreman: Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It's gotta be a mistake.
House: Right. The simplest explanation is she's a forty-year-old lying about
her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.
%
Lucille: It's really bad, especially at night. It's like my heart is on
fire, like it's, uh, oh, I don't know, like it's...
House: Burning?
Lucille: Exactly!
House: Hmm, sounds almost like heartburn.
Lucille: So, can you give me something?
House: Like a thesaurus?
%
Lucille: I'm not pregnant.
House: Sorry, you don't get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope.
Union rules.
%
House: I'm sorry. I guess I must have just been brainwashed by the media and
all those years of medical training.
%
[Dr. House has been told to fire one of his doctors]
House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost-efficient to
let me keep all of them.
Wilson: Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't
very good with numbers.
House: It will be more cost-efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass,
called Foreman a spade, and Chase... well, I can grab his ass, too.
Wilson: You are uniquely talented in many areas, but office politics is not
one of them.
%
Cameron: I apologize if we weren't paying full attention to your daughter,
but I assure you that --
Mom: Oh, please. Save your pathetic insincerity for your boyfriend.
House: You're wrong. She is, in fact, pathetically sincere.
%
House: Why would you support someone who screws up?
Cameron: Because I'm not insanely insecure. And because I can actually trust
in another human being, and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch.
House: I'm sorry, you said you _weren't_ angry.
%
House: Figures you'd try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt.
The problem is, the world doesn't work that way just 'cause you want it to.
Cameron: Figures you'd stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is,
the world doesn't go away just because you want it to.
%
House: Physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying
conversations.
%
House: He didn't have any reason to lie.
Wilson: Everybody lies..._except politicians?_ House, I believe you're a
romantic. You didn't just believe him - you believed _in_ him. You want to
come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?
%
House: Are you ... comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so
you know, I've never made a tree.
%
Cuddy: In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis
and kill him!
House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I
had no idea of the risks involved.
%
House: You know the chances of you getting HIV from heterosexual sex with a
condom?
Senator Wright: Yes.
House: Some day there will be a black President. Some day there will be a
gay President. Maybe there'll even be a gay, black President. But one
combination I do not see happening is gay, black, and dead. You need to stop
lying to me.
%
Vogler: Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals has developed a new ACE inhibitor. I would
like you to extol the virtues of this breakthrough medication.
House: Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals... wait a second, don't I own that company?
Oh, no, that's right: you do.
%
House: You're a black kid from the ghetto who made it to Yale Law and the
United States Senate. That's a sufficiently mythical story, you don't need
to lie about your tongue.
%
Sarah: I haven't had sex since I split up with my husband. That was almost a
year ago.
House: Fine, have it your way. Immaculate conception.
Sarah: Um, what do I do?
House: Well, it's obvious. Start a religion.
%
Cuddy: You're not doing a brain biopsy on a spot on an MRI.
House: Where'd you get that?
Cuddy: Not on a United States Senator.
House: Oh, just so I'm clear: if he was a janitor, that would be okay. Do
you have a list?
%
Cuddy: You could make the argument for watching carefully for the time being.
House: But you'd only make that argument if you were an administrator
covering your own ass.
%
House: You're not going to become President either way. They don't call it
the White House because of the paint job.
%
House: You are the most naive atheist I've ever met.
%
Senator: You're scared of taking chances.
House: I take chances all the time. It's one of my worst qualities.
%
Senator: What will the voters think? If they find out I've had a [stutters]
b-b-brain biopsy?
House: This could leave you [mimicking] b-b-b-b-brain damaged. And you're
worried about NASCAR dads?
%
House: [Regarding the speech promoting a new product Vogler is forcing him
to give] I am selling my soul.
Wilson: Just a little piece. And you are getting something in return.
House: I said I was selling it. I didn't say I was giving it away. That
would be immoral _and_ stupid.
%
House: If you want to save yourself the $15 co-pay, you can have sex while
you're awake.
%
[Dr. House gives a speech at a press convention promoting Vogler's drug
company's latest drug.]
House: Ed Vogler is a brilliant businessman, a brilliant judge of people,
and a man who has never lost a fight. You know how I know that the new ACE
inhibitor is good? Because the old one was good. The new one is really the
same, it's just more expensive. A lot more expensive. See, that's another
example of Ed's brilliance. Whenever one of his drugs is about to lose its
patent he has his boys and girls alter it just a tiny bit and patent it all
over again. Making not just a pointless new pill, but millions and millions
of dollars. Which is good for everybody, right? Except for the patients.
Psht. Who cares? They're just so damn sick. God obviously never liked them
anyway.
%
Vogler: [to House] The board's meeting again this evening. Why don't you
settle down, play some Game Boy? Why don't you watch your soap? I hear
they're firing the handsome doctor today -- that should be a good one.
%
House: Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you -- she only has thighs for
me.
%
[House is dreaming that Vogler has cancer]
Vogler: So, there is some hope.
House: Always. But just in case, I special-ordered a jumbo-sized coffin.
Vogler: Hey ...
House: Don't thank me. It's just who I am.
%
House: Sorry, up late. Internet porn.
Chase: How come you're not in your office?
House: Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will
ensue. My wrist might fall off.
%
House: Vogler is dead.
Cameron: What? What happened?
House: Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea. Mr. Destructo.
Mr. Money Bags. Bow down before me. He's gone from the hospital. Things can
go back to the way they were.
Cameron: The way they were was kinda weird.
House: Ehh -- weird works for me.
%
[House's pager goes off while Cameron is speaking to him. She folds her
arms.]
House: Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I
clench, and then this...whole thing...
Cameron: Could you look at your pager?
%
Cuddy: Dr. House! We need you here.
House: Sorry, lotta sick people. I might catch something.
%
Wilson: You should just fire Chase.
House: What, and miss out on all this fun?
Wilson: So you're going to torture him for a while and then fire him? That's
cold.
%
Cuddy: You just don't want to deal with the epidemic.
House: That's right. I'm subjecting a twelve-year-old to a battery of
dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored.
[Chase, Foreman, and Cuddy make various faces]
House: Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not.
%
[House holds a sheaf of paperwork in front of Cuddy's chest as she's
speaking to him.]
Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole
Foods.
Cuddy: I am working, it got hot, stop acting like a 13-year-old!
House: Sorry, you just don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of
Medicine.
Cuddy: Oh, women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
House: No, they can be babes. You just don't usually see their funbags.
%
[House is interviewing doctors to replace Cameron]
House: Ah, not interviewing today. I don't know if you've heard, but there's
this big time epidemic. Many sick people puking in the hallways, it's crazy.
%
House: Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a
20-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one
wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket
protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't
leave the library for 20 hours stretches, they're the ones who don't care
what you think. Sayonara.
%
Chase: When I was in med school, I had this old professor--
House: Who touched you in the naughty place?
Chase: --before the CT scan was introduced, he specialised in transcranial
ultrasound.
House: Hm. Ancient, but if there's enough bleeding it might work. OK. [to
Foreman] Do what the guy who _didn't_ specialise in neurology said.
Chase: It was my idea!
House: "Nyeh nyeh nyeh!"
%
House: You actually speak four languages, or you just banking on never being
interviewed by anyone who does?
%
House: You Jewish?
Petra Gilmar: Yeah.
House: Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
Petra Gilmar: Two hours of begging?
House: I heard four.
Petra Gilmar: Well, actually I'm only half-Jewish.
%
Mary: You're going to tell my parents?
House: Someone should. Rock paper scissors?
Mary: They don't need to know. I'll be all right.
House: Of course you will. If you're old enough to bleed out of your vagina,
obviously you're old enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion
without Mommy and Daddy's help.
%
House: Okay, do what the guy who didn't specialize in neurology said.
%
House: Did you see her shoes?
Wilson: Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women
wearing green shoes?
House: The eyes can mislead, the smile can lie, but the shoes always tell
the truth.
%
Wilson: You're not going to be happy with anyone.
House: So what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be
happy?
Wilson: No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.
%
[After interviewing someone as sarcastic as House]
Wilson: That's our Hitler!
%
Foreman: [Referring to Dr. House] He scared a guy into stroking out?
Wilson: Does that surprise anyone here?
%
Cameron: [Referring to Dr. House] He agreed to go on a date with me.
Foreman: A date? Date, dinner & a movie, naked and sweaty date?
Cameron: He only committed to the first two.
%
House: Ramona. You naughty girl. You've either got yourself an 18-year-old
boyfriend or an 80-year-old with some little blue pills.
%
House: Wow. Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I
was as open as you.
Cuddy: Well --
House: Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about.
%
Lawyer: So, what's that, two strokes you've scared this guy into?
House: Yeah. It's making me question my view of myself as a people person.
%
Foreman: Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently.
House: Way ahead of you. I've got a case of malt liquor stashed in the
trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are gonna get all the way down.
%
House: This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You
think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly
boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.
%
House: I have been on a date...
Wilson: Not since disco died.
%
[House's two elderly patients are making up.]
House: Aww.
[Myron takes out a breath spray and sprays his mouth, preparing to kiss.]
House: Oh, welcome to hell.
%
Cameron: I have one evening with you, one chance. And I don't want to waste
it talking about what movies you like or what wines you hate. I want to know
how you feel -- about me.
House: You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn't
perfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't
love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your
new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age,
I'm not great-looking, I'm not charming; I'm not even nice. What I am is
what you need. I'm damaged.
%
Cameron: I'm allowed to sexually harass my boss.
%
Chase: Wow. Yeah, I get it. House is adorable. I just want to hold him and
never let go.
%
Annette: Harvey is an asphyxiaphyliac. He likes to be strangled or smothered.
Lawyer: That's just sick.
House: Well, that's an intriguing legal opinion.
%
Chase: I said I thought it was a trauma-induced aneurysm.
House: Yeah, could have carried a tad more weight if you'd mentioned the
"liking pain" thing. You're on my naughty list. Sorry, no leather
stethoscope this Christmas.
%
House: The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. 'Cause
you're convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any woman
to handle.
Foreman: Yeah, I'm the one with the serious ego problem here.
%
Cuddy: You lied to them!
Mrs. Park: He told us our son was dead.
House: It's only a white lie. Technically, all I did was call them a little
early. Trust me, he'll be dead real soon. Actually, I saved you some rush
hour traffic.
%
House: Humiliation comes in all kinds of packages. People finding out that
your son's a perv, that's pretty high up there. People finding out that
you'd rather let your son die than sign a piece of paper, where's that rank?
%
Wilson: [about Cameron] So she's really coming back?
Patient: Who's coming back?
House: You don't know her.
Wilson: You give her a raise? Increase her benefits?
House: Don't have TiVo on this thing, can't rewind. Shut up.
Patient: You lower her hours?
House: You don't even know her!
Wilson: Who is this guy?
House: He's a patient.
Patient: He's examining me.
House: He's got to go back to work as soon as I'm done with the examination.
Guess I do too.
Wilson: It's got to be something. I mean, she didn't come back because she
likes you.
[Wilson gets a strange look on his face]
Wilson: Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you!
Patient: Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her!
House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check. [to
Wilson] I've agreed to take her on one date.
Wilson: What?
Patient: So, you into this girl?
Wilson: Yes.
House: No! She's not giving me any choice.
Patient: Wait... she's making you do her?
House: _Date_ her.
Wilson: Young ingenue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her
sweet gentle nature bringing him to a closer, fuller understanding of his
wounded heart.
Patient: [puts his arm around House's shoulders] Do her, or you're gay.
House: For God's sakes.
[He storms out as Wilson and the patient start singing...]
Wilson, Patient: [singing] ...sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G...
House: Grow up. And learn to harmonize.
%
House: Let the master show you how it's done. Mr. Park? This is Dr. House
calling from Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in New Jersey. Your son
Harvey is dead. We need you to identify the body. Yes, I'm sorry, it's the
law. [Cameron is shocked, Chase rolls his eyes, and Foreman is grinning.]
There's a real art to delivering bad news.
Cameron: They're gonna show up at the morgue.
House: Be sure to let me know when Cuddy starts screaming.
%
Cuddy: Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can't lecture.
House: You witness the spew? Or you just have his word for it? I think I'm
coming down with a little bit of the clap. May have to go home for a few
days.
%
House: Would you worry about her more if she was younger?
Medical student: Obviously we should care about our patients no matter what
age.
House: Yeah, right. I saw the way you were looking at Carmen. She's mine,
stay away.
%
House: So I should help her because she hates me.
Wilson: She doesn't hate you. She loves you, she just...can't stand to be
around you.
%
House: I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right
and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is --
maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is -- doesn't
make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just
plain wrong.
%
House: On average, drug addicts are stupid. [swallows Vicodin]
%
House: I believe drug addicts get sick. Actually, for some reason, they tend
to get sick more often than non-drug addicts.
%
House: It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The
only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're
dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to
them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for.
%
House: Why is it always me?
Cuddy: Because the world hates you. Or because it's a class on diagnostics.
Pick whatever reason feeds your narcissism better.
%
House: I asked what you would do. It seems unfair for you to ask me what you
would do.
%
House: I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see
visions, this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take
place when the brain shuts down.
Foreman: You choose to believe that?
House: There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance
to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
House: I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.
%
Carmen Electra: Can I put my pants back on?
House: I rather you didn't.
%
House: You know, we should do things together. Maybe throw a ball around or
something. Guy stuff.
Mark: We could go for a run together.
House: Hah! He's Oscar Wilde!
%
Cameron: Tummy ache, cranky, no apparent source. Any thoughts? Foreman! You
gonna contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars?
[Foreman looks up at her dubiously]
Cameron: I'm being House. It's funny.
Foreman: [sarcastic] I know. You made milk come out of my nose.
%
Cameron: Previous tests revealed nothing that would cause abdominal pain or
the mood swings.
House: Then we're done! What do you think, ball game, zoo? I don't care, I
just want to hang with you guys.
%
House: Here's to women. Can't live with them, can't kill them and tell the
neighbors they're stripping in Atlantic City.
Mark: Damn straight.
House: I'm definitely taller.
Mark: I have more hair.
%
Cameron: What happened to "everybody lies"?
House: I was lying.
%
House: Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that
stuff the other docs did. If that's negative, ultrasound his belly. If
that's negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. Did I
miss anything?
Chase: Kitchen sink?
House: Well, we could certainly give that a -- oh, you minx.
%
Wilson: Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.
House: Please, don't put me on a pedestal.
%
[House sends Chase and Foreman to search his ex's house.]
Cameron: You're not interested in the medical history. You're a peeping tom
trying to spy on your ex.
House: Her secret diary - that's the main thing.
%
House: You take the big, dark one, I've got the little girl, and the Aussie
will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough.
%
House: So I'm the guy, but you want the other guy, who by definition can
never be the guy.
%
Cuddy: I want to run something by you.
House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that
first time. All that desperate, administrative need --
%
Cameron: [to House] I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone. I was
wrong. You just couldn't love me. It's good. I'm happy for you.
%
Mark: I'm glad you two got a chance to catch up. Looks like you're having
fun.
House: Oh, he's good. If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much
anything.
%
House: You know why people sit in waiting rooms?
Stacy: This is gonna be good.
House: People think the closer they're sitting to the operating room, the
more they care.
Stacy: That's why I'm here. I'm not leaving until everybody sees me.
%
House: Stop looking at the suspiciously empty bottle and look at the screen.
%
Cameron: Any family history?
Stacy: Of? Whacked-outness? His sister voted for Nader, twice. That's about
it.
%
Stacy: He's sick, paranoid, and you keep hammering him about me?
House: The questions were designed to define the operational parameters of
his limbic system --
Stacy: Elevate the words all you want; you were just screwing with him. Low
even by your standards.
House: Medical screwing: it's what I do.
%
House: I'm sure he's a good guy. He's probably a great guy. Probably a much
better guy than I am. And some part of me wants him to die. I'm just not
sure if it's because I want to be with her, or if it's because I want her to
suffer.
%
Paramedic: [entering the restaurant with a gurney] Someone call 911 for a
wagon to Princeton-Plainsboro?
House: Garçon! [He snaps his fingers to get their attention.] It's okay,
ladies and gentlemen, nothing to worry about. Unless you had the veal.
%
Cameron: [Referring to Stacy] The woman you used to live with.
House: That's her Indian name. On her driver's license it's Stacy.
%
House: Dr. Mandingo, you're needed at the plantation house.
%
[House prepares to inject a drug into a patient's IV without consent.
Foreman steps in front of him to stop him.]
House: [imitating intercom out of the side of his mouth] Bing! Paging Doctor
Foreman. [normally] Leave the room. It's not your problem.
Foreman: You need the consent from him.
House: [in redneck voice] But Doc, he ain't right in the head.
[Cameron steps in front of House.]
Cameron: Then you need a court order.
House: OK, then get one. We'll wait here. I won't do nothin'.
[Chase steps in front of House.]
House: Ohhh, love the musketeer thing. I got goosebumps.
%
[Cameron, Chase, and Foreman stand in front of House to stop him injecting
Stacy's husband without his consent.]
Stacy: Please. If you're right, this may be his only shot.
House: So what's your plan? You take the big, dark one, I've got the little
girl, and the Aussie'll run like a scared wombat if things turn rough?
%
[Chase describes a patient's chance of survival to House.]
Chase: Minimal at best; the poison's broken the blood-brain barrier.
House: I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of
saying "no chance in hell".
Chase: I'm Australian.
House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.